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The Maginot Line

When you go looking for dumb shit from the past, especially when said dumb shit has to do with military matters, the French are easy targets.  The two greatest military minds in French history are a 16-year-old girl and a midget from Corsica.

It’s often said that in each new war, the generals start out trying to re-fight the last war, and that was never more true than during the lead-up to World War II.  France had spent nearly all of World War I on the defensive in their own territory, fighting off the invading Germans with neither side ever able to score a decisive breakthrough.

After the war, the French figured they’d build a huge defensive line of forts on their eastern border with Germany, which became known as the Maginot Line.  In fairness to the French (note: this may be the last time you ever hear me say those words), the Line was not supposed to be the be-all, end-all of defense against the Germans.  It was merely supposed to hold them off long enough to allow the French army to mobilize to meet the threat, which could take as long as two to three weeks.

Well, it sort of worked.  Hitler took one look at the long line of forts that stood between him and Paris, and did what any sensible person would have done:  he went around it.   He faked a frontal assault on the Line, and then attacked through Belgium.  France was, for some reason, counting on the Belgians and their own line of defensive forts to hold off the Germans just in case they turned out to be smart enough not to just barrel-ass headlong into the Maginot Line.  Needless to say, this was not the best plan ever.  Once the French and the British moved into Belgium to offer help in fighting off the Germans, the bulk of Hitler’s forces then moved through the “impenetrable” Ardennes region and flanked the allies.  Meanwhile, the Luftwaffe just, you know, flew over the Line, dropping paratroopers and just generally bombing the shit out of whatever they felt like.

The whole thing was over in less than six weeks, with the British heroically running away at Dunkirk and the French surrendering and being occupied by the Germans.  Oddly, this was exactly the outcome the Germans had expected to achieve in World War I, so in this instance, maybe the Germans are the first people in history to successfully fight the previous war during the successive campaign.

Posted in Retro.


Bigger dumbasses: Bears or Broncos?

Seeing as how I live in the wild wild west, the Jay Cutler trade is just about all I’ve heard about for the past several days.

On the face of it, trading the face of the franchise for a journeyman-in-the-making and a few draft picks seems pretty daft.  Would the Colts trade Peyton Manning for two number ones and whatever bum Tampa Bay has for a quarterback these days, for instance?  I’m guessing no.

Then again, Jay Cutler is no Peyton Manning.  He may never even be an Eli Manning.  Hell, he may never even be an Archie Manning.  But, he’s the closest thing the Broncos have had to a real franchise quarterback since the greatest quarterback who ever lived (as far as Broncos fans are concerned, anyway) hung up his cleats a decade ago.

On the other hand, these “trade a whole bunch of picks for one guy” trades rarely work out well for the team giving up the draft picks.  It didn’t work well for Tampa when they traded for Keyshawn Johnson.  And most famously, it didn’t help the Vikings when they double-mortgaged the farm to get Herschel Walker.

In fact, in the latter case, the trade very famously benefited the Cowboys, who dealt Walker to the Vikings for a bunch of dudes plus a pile of picks–then went on to use some of those dudes and those picks to build a Super Bowl dynasty.

Now, this is no Walker trade, for sure.  Denver gets an extra first and third round pick this year, and another first round next year, and hopefully they can use those picks to shore up the worst defense in the NFL.  But meanwhile, they have to muddle through at least a season with either Kyle Orton or Chris Simms under center.  And let me tell you, no Bronco fan is looking forward to that.

So who is the biggest dumbass here?  Currently, it’s looking like the Broncos, for sending their franchise player to the Bears for a stiff and some picks.  But it may be two or three years before we know for sure.

However, in conclusion, FUCK KYLE ORTON.

Posted in In The News.


Dumb criminals are dumb

Uh…

There’s not really a lot to say about that.  Except this:  Set your sights a little higher next time.  If you’re going to turn to a life of crime to support yourself and your daughter during these tough economic times, maybe knocking over a convenience store, in full view of the inevitable security cameras, for only $200 isn’t the way to start.  Come on, at least go for the big time and knock over a bank or something.  Get some real cash for your troubles!  Now the dude is going to jail for a long time over $200.

Oh, and leave the kid at home, too.  Holy shit that’s dumb.

Posted in In The News.


Michael Vick: Douche of the Universe?

I’m about to say something really controversial.  In the vast spectrum of human experience, there are probably close to infinity things you can do that are worse than killing a dog, or even operating a dogfighting ring.  Michael Vick got two years for killing some dogs, while Vince Neil killed a dude and only got 30 days.

That said, Vick is still in the running for the title Douche of the Universe.  Check out the latest.  Dude was let out of jail for a bit to appear before a judge for a bankruptcy hearing.  The man is out of cash!  This is the guy who signed a then-record $130 million contract with the Falcons in 2005, was the face of the franchise and at one time arguably the face of the league, sold merchandise like crazy, had huge endorsement deals, apparently owned a stake in more than a dozen different companies, and now has gone the way of MC Hammer, all because it turns out he’s a giant ass.

Seriously, the dude pissed away all that because he felt the need to fight dogs?  Really?  And worse, he couldn’t just surreptitiously attend some fights, or even travel to places where such things are legal and pretend like that’s not what he went there for (see also:  Thailand and prostitution).  No, he had to actually RUN a friggin dog fighting ring in his own damn backyard with all his thug friends.  How stupid is that?

At least Hammer just spent all his money on houses, cars, and his buddies.  He didn’t lose it because he got thrown in jail for being a damn idiot and suddenly couldn’t do his thing anymore.

The best part is that Vick’s bankruptcy is structured on the assumption that he’s going to resume his NFL career after he gets released.  Really?  The Falcons sure wont take him back.  Is there really a team in the league so stupid that they’d overlook all the negative crap this guy would bring to the franchise and actually hire him?  Oh wait…  yes there is…

Posted in Celebrities.


Screw Fox News

Yes, screw them.  But not for the reason you’re probably thinking about.  You’re probably thinking I’m going to complain about their conservative bias, or about how much of a jackhole Bill O’Reilly is, or any number of other things people on the interwebs like to say about Fox News.

Forget all that stuff.  What I’m all in a lather about is the retarded shit that they put on their website about celebrities and fashion and all manner of crap like that.  Exhibit number one,  this crap right here.

What is this?  Nevermind the economic crisis. What?  Seriously?  I can just forget about it now?  AWESOME!  You mean it’s fixed?  Oh wait, no, that’s not what you meant at all.  What you meant was, “Nevermind the economic crisis, CHECK OUT WHAT MICHELLE OBAMA IS WEARING!!!”.

Now, personally I’m not convinced that the G20 conference is going to come up with a magic plan to save us from Great Depression II.  In fact, if I had to bet money on it, I’d bet that whatever they try to do to “fix” it will probably do no good at all, or serve to make it worse.

But worrying about what Michelle Obama and first lady of France Carla Bruni-Sarkozy are wearing to the conference?  That’s about as far down the list of crap I care about as you can go.  And yet, Fox News is CONSTANTLY running stories like this on their website.  They even have an entire section called Pop Tarts dedicated to the inane doings of dumb people nobody sane cares about.

Come on Fox.  We already have entire magazines dedicated to this crap for people who actually  might care.  Keep it the hell off your “news” site.

Posted in In The News.