Nobody ever claimed criminals were smart.  Well, I guess super villains like Lex Luthor claim that sometimes, but for the most part, they’re wrong.  Most criminals are criminals because they’re either too dumb to know any better or too dumb to be anything else.  Or they’re Bernie Madoff.

But this guy here is about as dumb as they come.  Dude breaks into somebody’s house and… settles in.  He takes a shower, watches some TV, and fries up some chicken!

It’s a little hard to figure out what exactly he thought he was doing.  Maybe he figured he’d just stolen the house?  He broke in, and now it was his!  Just like that time he stole that car–he broke into it, and now he could use it whenever he wanted.  It must work the same way with houses, right?

Right?

So here’s a story about a doctor who removed the wrong kidney from some poor dude.

This is pretty bad.  But it’s also at least somewhat understandable.  I mean, kidneys look pretty much the same.  And everybody has two of them.  A quick screw up of right and left, and bam–you took out the wrong one.  Oops!

But that’s not all.  The same doctor apparently accidentally biopsied another patient’s pancreas instead of his kidney.

Now, I’m no doctor.  I don’t even play one on TV (or the intertubes, even).  But I do own a copy of Gray’s Anatomy (the book, not the TV show) and I’d like to think that, should I ever find myself confronted with a person with an open abdominal cavity and was asked “quick, identify the kidneys!” I’d be able to avoid pointing at the goddamn pancreas.

Here, check for yourself:

There’s a lot of crap in there, I admit.  And I’m sure when someone is cut open, there’s like blood and stuff obscuring your view.  But see those kidney bean shaped things in the back?  Those there are kidneys.  And that big thing that sort of wraps all around and goes every which way in the middleish of the picture?  That’s a pancreas.

See the difference?  Yeah, I admit, there is some stuff that’s omitted in that diagram.  For instance, I don’t see a liver in there, and I’m fairly sure there ought to be one.  And those intestines probably aren’t just cut open and disconnected like that in real life.  But still, a surgeon spends years and years learning this stuff.  They’re not expected to just cut into people and fish around randomly after just a few weeks of boot camp training.  So I feel justified in thinking that this guy is a complete incompetent asshole.

Little French bastards are choking themselves to death.  I guess because it feels good?  I don’t know, I’m not a fucking idiot, so I haven’t tried this “game”, but supposedly cutting off the blood supply to your brain gets you high.  Hey, that’s basically how alcohol works, so I guess it’s a cheap way to get briefly drunk.

Here’s a thought though.  The drinking age in France is like, what, four years old?  Why not just get drunk?  Go down to the store, buy some cheap wine, and get shitfaced like normal teenagers do.  Don’t goddamn choke yourself to death in order to get a few seconds of feeling high.  You’d think nobody would have to explain this, but apparently kids today are that stupid.

Here’s a great quote from the article.  “The medical community remains divided over whether to publicize asphyxiation games. “There’s a fear that if you raise awareness then other people will start to copy it.””

Yeah, that’s a great reason to not tell people shit.  We also shouldn’t tell people how HIV is spread, for fear that more people will have sex.  “Wait, you mean all this time I could have been having sex?  Why didn’t anybody tell me this??”  Don’t tell people about the dangers of playing Russian Roulette, because then more people might play!   And definitely don’t tell people about the dangers of smoking, because more people might smoke!

How about we just let people be responsible for their own damn selves?  If you tell people about how choking themselves to death is bad and they still do it, well, hey.  You tried, right?  It’s probably for the best that we eliminated those genes from the pool…

So did you see this one about the woman punching out a McDonald’s drive-through window because they didn’t have any McNuggets?

Seriously lady.  There’s a McDonald’s on every corner.  Next time, try the next one.  No need to get all worked up!