July 4th is almost here again, and all the seasonal fireworks vendors are once again busy selling the lamest selection of non-exploding “fireworks” ever invented. That’s because my state, Colorado, like many others, has a ban on pretty much any kind of fireworks that might actually be fun.
The US Consumer Protection Commission lists Colorado among the 39 states that “permit some or all types of consumer fireworks”, which means they either don’t ban anything more than the Feds ban already, or they at least don’t have an outright ban.
But this is misleading, since a closer look at Colorado fireworks laws reveals that the state bans pretty much everything that might remotely be considered fun. Basically, if it leaves the ground, explodes, or does anything cool, you can’t have it.
I’m not a big fan of banning things at all, but fireworks bans really irritate me, because blowing shit up is just so damn much fun! What’s more American than exploding the crap out of shit? Nothing! So screw fireworks bans.
Yogic Flying is a giant bat-shit insane piece of bullshit foisted upon unsuspecting new agers by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi as part of his total package of bullshit known as Transcendental Meditation. Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking “hey, I meditate, and it’s awesome. Don’t be all harsh on meditation, man!” Well, those of you who are hippies anyway. Let me reassure you by saying that I’m sure meditation is a great relaxation and focusing tool. I’m not convinced it’s any more effective than, say, sitting quietly and remaining calm–but sure, it helps you relax and keeps you refreshed mentally.
What it sure as fuck does not do, however, is enable you to fly. But check out the assholes in this video:
That’s actually the first phase of yogic flying. I’m not kidding. They actually think they have some mystical fucking powers because they can hop around in the goddamn lotus position. Yogic flying is said to have three phases:
Hopping
Levitation
Flying
What these people are doing is obviously phase 1. And the hell of it is, many of those people probably paid upwards of $1500 for the privileged of being taught how to bounce around on their asses busting their ball sacks against the ground. Seriously, those TM jackholes charge people thousands of dollars to learn how to hop like a frog. It’s completely insane. Never mind that nobody, anywhere, ever, has managed to get past phase 1. Not even the Maharishi himself has ever convincingly demonstrated the ability to levitate, much less actually goddamn fly (although I’m sure he could if he really wanted to!)
And the sad part is, yogic flying isn’t even the most ridiculous claim TM makes. There’s also something called the Maharishi Effect that proposes that if as few as 1% of the world’s population would only practice TM, then magically the entire world would be awesomer!  You think I’m making that up, but go ahead and look it up for yourself–that’s essentially what they claim. If 1% of a population practices TM, magically everybody else benefits in… some way. I guess peace magically breaks out or some shit. It’s sort of unclear, but to be sure, IT IS AWESOME!
I wonder if there might be some other motive for encouraging people to practice TM? Hrm. Let’s do some quick math:
1 % of 6 billion times $1500 = A FUCKING SHIT TON OF MONEY
Yeah, I think there might be some other motive here. Just a guess.
Let’s say you’re driving drunk. I know, you would never do that, but just for argument’s sake, let’s say you are. You lose control of your vehicle, careen off the road, strike a barrier, and flip your car. Luckily, you manage not to hurt anybody, not even yourself, but you’re now trapped in the car, awaiting rescue.
What do you do?
If you said “pop open another brew”, then congratulations! Paul Nigel Sneddon and you have something in common! Mr. Sneddon, a resident of New Zealand, decided that he had nothing better to do while waiting for the cops to arrive, so he cracked open another beer and continued drinking.
When the police found him, he admitted to having been drinking for four days straight. When asked how much alcohol he had consumed, he said “Plenty.”
Plenty
Well Mr. Sneddon, you get full marks for honesty, but you’re not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Apparently, otherwise reputable UK newspaper The Sunday Times has hired Ozzy Osbourne to write a health column. Yeah, this is the same Ozzy who got kicked out of Black Sabbath for being too drunk. The same Ozzy who got banned from the city of San Antonio for a decade because he dressed up like a woman and pissed on The Alamo while, of course, drunk and high. The same Ozzy who bit the head off a live dove, and, having learned nothing from this episode, later had to get rabies shots after biting the head off a live bat. The same Ozzy who walks all hunched over, stammers, slurs his speech even while “sober”, and shakes like an unbalanced washing machine (leading to speculations that he might have Parkinson’s disease, or had in some way damaged his motor functions through years of drug abuse.)
That Ozzy. A health columnist.
Actually, yeah, I can see it. He sure has plenty of material on what not to do, health wise.
I love Colorado. Only here do we produce burned out old hippies who want to kill Osama bin Laden. Well, OK, probably a lot of other states have crazy old hippies with weird vendettas, but nobody else has one who actually flew to mofo Pakistan with a mofo SWORD and some night vision goggles and actually tried to do it!
51 year old Gary Faulkner, who suffers from chronic kidney disease that requires him to have dialysis every three days, actually packed his bags, flew to Pakistan, and tried to GIT ‘ER DONE. He checked into a hotel, eluded his police escort, and disappeared into the forest for a few days while he searched for the elusive bin Laden. However, the police caught him before he found the Al Qaeda leader and hauled him back to town.
I’m not really sure how he expected to find bin Laden. I don’t know if you know this (and I’m told most Americans don’t), but Pakistan is actually a whole entire country. Sure, it’s not huge, but it’s bigger than, say, your average Six Flags theme park. And have you ever tried to find somebody after getting separated at Six Flags? Even with cell phones it can be a nightmare hooking back up. This guy didn’t even have that much. He just walked out of his hotel and into the woods, and started looking!
When asked why he thought he had a chance of tracing bin Laden, Faulkner replied, “God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him.”
Wasn’t that George Bush’s reasoning, too? Worked well for him!
Best of all were his weapons of choice for taking down the terrorist mastermind. A pistol and a sword. A sword! I love swords as much as the next sword geek, but I’ll tell you what–if I’m going on a solo mission to assassinate a wanted fugitive, I’m probably not packing my sword. It’s really damn low on the list of things I’m bringing with me. And for a guy like bin Laden, who probably has a posse armed with AK-47s and worse surrounding him, I’m thinking a pistol isn’t going to cut it either.
So here’s to you, crazy hippy warrior man! You failed, but at least you were insane enough to try.
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