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Bad razzing is bad

I am, as usual, behind the times with my game playing, since I tend to wait until games go on sale before I buy them.  Recently I’ve been playing a lot of MLB 2k10, kicking some ass playing first base for the Red Sox.

The game tries to capture the feel of being at the park, so in addition to random crowd cheers and jeers, you can often hear individual fans yelling at players.

Batting as I do right in front of Kevin Youkilis, I am often on base during his at bats, and get to listen to the crowd cheer/razz him.  The various things they shout are limited, so it took only a game or two before I heard them all.  The cheers are pretty generic, but some of the razzing is pretty good–my favorite is “You’re killing it softly, Kevin!”

Youkilis was famously dubbed “The Greek God of Walks” in the book Moneyball (despite not actually being Greek,) and a lot of the things the crowd shouts at him in MLB 2k10 references this.  When playing on the road, the crowd will razz him with “They sure don’t call you the Greek God of Hits, do they Kevin?” which isn’t all that creative, but at least makes sense.

What does not make much sense, however, is this particular jeer I’ve heard over and over again: “Greek God of Walks, you must have been last in line when they were passing them out!”

It took me awhile to even put together what the dude was saying, since even when I figured out all the words, I still couldn’t quite parse it.  Handing what out?  Divine portfolios?  Is the guy trying to say that of all the things to be Greek God of, walks was the worst possible one?  Just limiting the options to baseball, I can think of a bunch that would be way worse.  For instance, the Greek God of Striking Out.  The Greek God of Grounding Into a Double Play.  The Greek God of Errors–the list goes on.

Is he trying to say that of all the good offensive things to be Greek God of, walks is the worst?  In this case he might be almost right.  Of all the “good” outcomes of an at-bat, drawing a walk is behind hitting a home run, triple, double, or single (turns out, a walk is not quite  as good as a hit, generally speaking.  Roughly, that’s because three singles will almost always score a run, while three walks only loads the bases.)  But I’d argue it’s still ahead of getting hit by a pitch, and executing a sacrifice bunt.

But even so, there are so many much worse things that can happen during an at bat, it’s silly to denigrate taking a walk as “least good of all the good things.”  You wouldn’t make fun of a pitcher dubbed “The Greek God of Ground Ball Outs” just because he doesn’t strike everybody out, would you?

Maybe he means “of all the Greek Gods we know of, being the Greek God of Walks would be the worst”?  Ok, sure.  If we’re imagining Youk taking his place among the 12 Olympians, maybe he ranks last.  But I’ll tell you what.  As soon as Ares or Zeus starts playing baseball, maybe I’ll agree with making fun of Youk for having such a crappy divine portfolio compared to those guys.  Until then, I think it’s a little stupid.

Anyhow, as far as jeers go, it was much more fun back when I batted right in front of Marco Scutaro.  “Scoot on back to the dugout!” and “Marco!  Strike-out-ero!” were my favorites then.

Posted in Miscellaneous.


Stay classy, Cleveland

Last Sunday, the Northern New Jersey Jets played the Cleveland Browns in the armpit of the universe, AKA Cleveland, Ohio.  Cleveland teams have a history of being shitty, from the Indians in baseball (who had a whole series of decreasingly funny movies made playing off the fact that they’d been so shitty for so long,) the Cavaliers in basketball (who just lost the best player in the game to free agency–mainly because despite growing up in nearby Akron, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in mother fucking Cleveland,) to the Browns in football.  A team so bad they didn’t even exist for four years.

After the inevitable 26-20 overtime loss to the Jets last Sunday, A drunken Browns fan decided to take his frustrations out on an 8 year old Jets fan.  By tackling the kid.  In the parking lot.  The kid wasn’t hurt, escaping from the ordeal with only a scraped and bruised ankle.  Which only goes to show you that Browns fans aren’t any better than the actual Browns at tackling.  Exactly how drunk do you have to be to decide it would be a good idea to tackle a little kid walking with his dad through the parking lot?  Do you think it’s more or less drunk than Mel Gibson needs to get before he starts mouthing off about the Jews?  About the same maybe?

The Jets, when they heard about the situation, offered to fly the family to Northern New Jersey to watch a Jets home game in a VIP suite, and offered Jets memorabilia signed by the coach and players.  The  Browns counter-offered a six pack of Schlitz and a carton of Marlboro Reds.  Well, no, they didn’t.  Probably.  Instead they offered “anything we can do,” which clearly doesn’t include things like “beat the Jets” or “win more than 7 games in any one season” (a feat they’ve accomplished only twice in the last fifteen years.)  The family politely turned down both offers, thus proving that there are at least some families left who aren’t interested in becoming media whores.

So stay classy, Cleveland.  Your sports teams suck, your city smells like ass, and Drew Carey wants to turn you into a Libertarian paradise (which I’m told resembles war torn and starving Somalia–in which case, you’re almost there!)  But at least you stopped that goddamn 8 year old in the Jets jersey from wanting to go to Browns games!

Posted in In The News.


Plumbing the ratty depths

So there’s this house in New Brighton, PA that is overrun with rats.  It is scheduled to be demolished soon, after neighbors called to complain about all the rats.

So far, so good, right?  I mean, not good, but not yet “off the wall bat-shit insane.”  But wait, there’s more.  The town says the rats are piled a foot deep in some places.  A FOOT DEEP! The interwebs tell me that your standard adult rat stands anywhere from 2″ to 5″ tall, so that’s anywhere between two and six rats standing on each others backs.  Can you even picture  a room where the floor is covered in rats six deep?  Don’t try.  Seriously.  Just don’t.

But that’s not even the worst of it.  Think about this.  In order to figure this out, some guy had to measure the depth of the rats.  Some guy in that town actually took a yardstick and stuck it in the middle of a pile of rats.  They actually told a guy “Hey, we need some accurate numbers.  Take this yardstick and go find out how deep those rats are in there.”  And he did it.

Is that just this guy’s job?  Do his business cards say “Rat Depth Finder”?  And how much does he get paid?  I’m guessing “not nearly enough.”

Posted in In The News.


Diamonds aren’t forever

If I’ve learned anything from James Bond, it’s that you can’t trust anybody whose name is a double entendre and that Diamonds Are Forever.  Turns out, the only reason diamonds are forever is that you’re stuck with one once you buy it.

Diamonds aren’t all that rare.  They’re produced in mass quantities in the Earth’s mantle.  However, relatively few of them survive the trip to the surface where we can find them.  Even so, diamonds are less rare than many other gem stones, including rubies and emeralds.  In fact, there are enough diamonds in the world for every man, woman, and child on the planet to own a cup full.

So what makes them so expensive?  In a word, marketing.  In two other words, price fixing.  In economics, supply and demand dictate what anything is worth.  A lot of money chasing very few goods will cause prices to rise.  Very little money going after plentiful goods will cause prices to fall.  If five grocers have ten oranges each to sell, and fifty people all want an orange, then prices will be relatively stable.  However, if next week sixty people want oranges, prices will rise because now there are consumers competing against each other for limited supplies.  Similarly, if the week after that only forty people want oranges, prices will tend to fall as the grocers compete to sell their whole stock of oranges before there is nobody left to sell to.  But what happens if there’s only one grocer, and he has all fifty oranges?  Well, that’s what we call a monopoly, and that grocer can basically set whatever price he feels like for oranges.

Similarly, in the modern diamond market, there was only one serious player from the 1870s until the late 1990s.  The De Beers family of companies owned and operated every significant diamond mine in the world, and moved swiftly to buy up any new mines that were discovered.  By controlling supply, they effectively controlled the price of diamonds.  They sold to wholesalers in a take-it-or-leave it fashion, with no price negotiation possible, and wholesalers would usually be too afraid to refuse the price, knowing that De Beers could easily cut them off entirely, effectively killing their business.  Whenever competing stones did make it to market,  De Beers used a number of tactics to keep them from causing the price of diamonds to go down, ranging from simply buying up the diamonds themselves and stockpiling them to punishing wholesalers and retailers who sold the stones by refusing to sell to them anymore.

Supply is, however, only half of the equation that determines price.  The other half is demand.  It doesn’t do any good to be the world’s only supplier of a product nobody wants to buy.  Which is exactly where De Beers found themselves in the late 1930s.  Worldwide demand for diamonds had started to dry up.  Other gems were more popular for jewelry, and the idea of diamond “engagement rings” had never really caught on in much of the world, and was fading rapidly even in the places where it had started to catch on, such as the United States.

De Beers decided to change that.  They concentrated on the American market, figuring image conscious Americans would buy anything they were told to buy.  In a concerted effort that continues to this day, De Beers promoted the idea that diamonds are an essential part of the courtship ritual.  Through their “a diamond is forever” campaign, they convinced men and women alike that the way a man proves his love for a woman is to drop three months salary on a diamond ring.  They turned the diamond engagement ring into a status symbol women can show off to each other and men can use to prove their economic viability.  If he can’t afford the two carat monster, he’s just not worth it, ladies!  De Beers literally put a price on true love.  And the fucked up thing is, it worked.  Better, perhaps, than even De Beers had dared hope.  Today it’s just ingrained in the psyche of most Americans (and to a lesser extent, Europeans and a swiftly growing number of Chinese) that one of the necessary steps of the courtship ritual is for the man to spend vast sums of money on on a diamond ring for his chosen lady.  Women are conditioned to expect it (and even to feel slighted when the ring is too small or, heaven forbid, not a diamond at all) and men are conditioned to expect to pay three months salary on the ring and to feel ashamed if they attempt to spend less.

All of this comes directly from De Beers marketing campaigns!  Certainly the idea of an exchange of rings to signify marriage dates back to antiquity, and the giving of betrothal gifts was common long before De Beers came along.  But it wasn’t until the 1930s that the idea that the betrothal gift should be specifically a diamond ring was perpetuated–and it was all done by one company in order to increase demand for the product that they alone provided.

So what is one to do?  Diamonds hold their worth, or so we’re told, so even if you bought into the marketing scam and dropped the big bucks on a ring, you can still get your money back now that you’ve thought better of it, right?  Well, De Beers had this covered as well.  Part of their “a diamond is forever” campaign was to convince people to see diamonds as heirlooms.  You wouldn’t sell grandma’s ring because it has sentimental value–unlike, say, her old cane or that crazy hat she wore to go shopping.  When you do try to sell, you quickly discover that no jeweler will pay you even a third of what the ring cost.  Despite the slogan, diamonds really aren’t forever.  They can get damaged, chipped, or even burned (they are just carbon, after all).  Even if your ring is still in perfect condition, no jeweler will pay you anything close to what you paid for it because they have a ready supply of all the diamonds they need from wholesalers–they’re not actually rare, remember.  A thriving secondary market in diamonds would hurt De Beers, so they have done everything they can to discourage people from selling at all.  And since we’ve been conned into thinking diamonds “hold their value”, many jewelers will be unwilling to make any offer at all on your ring, since they know that any offer they could reasonably make would be far less than what you paid for it, and you’d realize the lie you were sold.

In the late 1990s, several things happened that effectively ended the De Beers monopoly on diamonds.  New, very large mines in Australia, Russia, and Canada came online.  De Beers tried  to gain control of these mines (and they do own several mines in Russia and Australia) but was unable to keep the genie in the bottle.  After more than a century of owning more than 90% of the world’s supply of diamond producing mines, they now find themselves with anywhere between 40% and 70% of the market (estimates vary).

Oddly, the price of diamonds did not collapse as many predicted.  Why it didn’t is blamed on “various world economic factors”, but clearly it boils down to this.  Nobody is going to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs!  A diamond mine is no good if you pump out so many diamonds so quickly that the price plummets.  So it is very likely that now instead of a monopoly in the diamond industry, we now have a trust–several large companies working together behind the scenes to keep the price of their product stable at an artificially high level.  Of course, they do compete for your business between the different “brands”, they just don’t compete on price since they know that’s a losing proposition for everybody.  Instead, they tell consumers not to buy the other guy’s diamonds because they could be funding genocidal wars in Africa (so-called “conflict” or “blood diamonds.”)  Don’t buy Russian diamonds because those fund the Russian mob!  Australian and Canadian diamond mining is damaging to the eco-system (and probably to natives too, I’m sure!)  You basically have to pick your poison, since they all have their drawbacks–but hey, you have a choice now, right!

Really the only “clean” diamonds are synthetics.  But guess what?  The diamond cartel is conditioning you to hate those as well.  They want you to think that only diamonds plucked from mother earth are “real” diamonds–never mind that synthetic diamonds can be made today that are only distinguishable from natural diamonds because they are too perfect.  They are in every way real diamonds (diamonds are just carbon crystals, remember–there’s absolutely nothing special about diamonds dug out of the ground that makes them any different from today’s lab produced diamonds.)  And the process is still so expensive synthetic diamonds can’t compete on price even with the artificially inflated price of natural diamonds.  And anyhow, who is to say that when the process is perfected and real, perfect diamonds can be pumped out of a factory faster than any mine can produce them, the manufactured diamond makers wont choose to tacitly join the cartel anyhow?  Undercutting the mined diamonds only serves to make their product look “cheap”, and the last thing anybody wants said about their diamond engagement ring is that it was “cheap!”

So how about this?  How about we do what Adelie penguins do.  Part of their mating ritual involves bringing each other rocks, too.  But they don’t show them off to other penguins or brag about how much they spent on them.  These rocks are free, and found everywhere on the ground.  The penguins use them to build a nest for each other.  Isn’t that far more romantic?  Never mind that I left out the part about how they steal the rocks from each others nests constantly, causing much commotion and squabbling.  It’s still better than what we do, I think.

Posted in Miscellaneous.


Very expensive racism

Christopher Fennell, a professor of anthropology at the University of Illinois, has spent awhile trying to figure out why the Pike County Railroad Company chose to divert a rail line around the town of New Philadelphia, IL.  In 1857, the PCRC commissioned a survey  for a proposed new line between Naples, IL. and Hannibal, MO.  The surveyors proposed a sensible “straight line” approach that would have taken the rail line through the town of New Philadelphia.

The PCRC balked, and asked the surveyors to modify the route to take it north around the town.   Fennell looked at several reasons why this might be done.  He ruled out all the obvious answers:  terrain, cost, and bribery.  Rough terrain was not the reason for the proposed “bypass”.  It turned out, in fact, that the bypass actually took the railroad over higher, rougher terrain than the straight path through the town.  The section was so challenging, in fact, that the company ended up stationing a “helper locomotive” near the bypass to aid in pulling the train past the high point of the track.  Cost was not a factor either.  In fact, again he found that the cost of the “bypass” was actually higher than that of the proposed straight-through route.  Finally, Fennell  looked for evidence that rich donors asked for the bypass for one reason or another.  He found this was not the case, either.  In fact, again he found evidence that the PCRC had resisted pressure from county officials to divert the rail line in other areas, sticking to the straight-ahead path their surveyors originally mapped out.

In the end, the explanation for the odd bend in the track that seemed to fit the bill was good old fashioned racism.  New Philadelphia was a town founded by former slave Frank McWorter in 1836.  It was situatated on a busy wagon trail and soon attracted merchants and skilled tradesmen, who took up residence in the town of mostly black ex-slaves.  Blacks and whites lived side-by-side in New Philadelphia for decades before the Civil War.  Illinois was nominally a “free” state since its admission to the Union in 1818, but it was a hotbed of pro-slavery sentiment for years, and several attempts were made to ammend the state Constitution to legalize the practice.  Having an example of harmonious co-existence of the races on equal footing was not something that appealed to the pro-slavery crowd.

Such crowd would appear to include the owners of the PCRC.  Hannibal was a thriving slave-market town, and much of central and southern Illinois favored the introduction of slavery into the state.  Having a railway depot bring even more prosperity to New Philadelphia would be against the ideological interests of the PCRC, it would seem, as there doesn’t seem to be any other reason to spend extra money, extra time, extra effort, and extra materials to bypass the town.

Unfortunately, their plan appears to have worked.  The railway, complete with unecessary expensive bypass, was completed in 1870.  Many of the goods previously transported along the wagon trail through New Philadelphia were soon being transported around the town on the new rail line.  By the 1890s the town was essentially gone.

Way to go, assholes.

Posted in Retro.