Anthony Garcia may not be the dumbest man in the world, but I’d hate to meet anybody dumber.  Mr. Garcia was recently arrested by LA County police after a routine check of gang member tattoo photos revealed that he’d tattooed an entire crime scene on his chest–one relating to an unsolved gang murder from four years ago.

Homicide investigator Kevin Lloyd was flipping through the photos taken of gang members who had previously been arrested.  LA County keeps photos of tattoos on file for future reference.  During this routine activity, he happened upon the photo of Mr Garcia, and quickly recognized the scene tattooed on his chest.  It was the scene of an unsolved murder he’d worked several years before, correct in every detail.  The liquor store Christmas lights, the street light, street sign, everything about the scene was just as he remembered it.

So the cops went and picked the dude up, and got a confession out of him.  I assume by saying “Hey, that murder you have tattooed on your chest–you committed that, right?”  And him saying “Yeah–I mean… Oh shit.”  Seriously though Anthony.  Shitty idea.

I write a lot about bank robbers, it seems, but that’s because robbing a bank is the second dumbest crime in the world (second only to robbing a 7-11.)  Sure, in the glory days of bank robbing, back when a man could ride his horse up to the door, stick a shotgun in somebody’s face, take all the money, and have a few hours head start before the sheriff could muster up a posse to come after him, bank robbing wasn’t quite as dumb.  Even during the Great Depression, when the likes of John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd, and Bonnie and Clyde were all active, bank robbing was still romanticized and some bandits were seen as Robin Hood types (even though Dillinger, Floyd, and Bonnie and Clyde were all brutally gunned down by the Feds eventually.)  In the age of security cameras, silent alarms, exploding ink packets, and all the other modern deterrents, bank robbing is just plain dumb, however.

If you’re going to try it, though, you should at least not half-ass things.  Getting in and getting the money is only part of the job.  The most important (and arguably hardest) part is getting the hell out of there and getting away.  Old West gangs had fast horses, and Clyde Barrow famously preferred Ford V8s when he could get them.  A man in Dayton, Ohio, however, decided public transportation was his best bet.  After robbing a downtown bank, he walked two blocks in full view of witnesses, and got on a city bus.

Man, seriously? A bus?  If I asked you to make a list (hypothetically, of course) of all the things you’d need to rob a bank, how long would the list be before you put down “getaway car?”  It would probably be third or fourth on my list, behind only “prepared note for teller,” “gun,” and “ski mask.”  And that’s only if I didn’t go with the old “I have a bomb” ploy instead of the gun.  But it doesn’t take long to start thinking about how you’re going to get away with the cash once you have it, right?

Let’s consider all the problems with the “getaway bus” plan.  First is that you’re not actually driving it.  You’re just a passenger.  And the driver isn’t (presumably) a member of your gang, either.  He’s just going to keep going along his pre-planned route, making pickups and drop-offs, while you sit quietly in your seat with your sack of loot.  This isn’t really ideal–there isn’t going to be any fancy driving or evasive action taken here, the dude is just going to calmly pull over as soon as the cops pull up behind him (which is, of course, exactly what happened.)  Second problem is the aforementioned pre-planned route.  See, in order to evade the cops, you have to be at least one of two things:  Fast, or tricksy.  A bus is neither.  Your average city bus can’t outrun a garden slug, and driving along a pre-planned, widely publicized route is pretty much the exact opposite of tricksy.  You wouldn’t rob a bank, and then drop a map of the city with your getaway route clearly marked, would you?  Well, you just fucking did exactly that when you hopped on that bus, dipshit!  Finally, city buses always smell like pee and vomit.  You’re going to be smelling enough of that if you get caught and sent to prison, so why start early?

And yet, there exists a human being stupid enough to think that catching the crosstown express two blocks away from the bank he just robbed was a good plan.  This was the best he could come up with!  Go in, get the loot, then hop on the number 6 and head home like nothing happened.  Yeah asshole, great plan.  Have fun in prison.

I may be a city boy now, but I grew up in the sticks, and one thing you learn really early in life in the country is not to fuck around with wild animals.  My dad always told me that most animals, even the scary ones like bears, are generally more afraid of you than you are of them–but absolutely all wild animals will try to fuck you up if you corner them, startle them, threaten their young, or (in the case of a few animals like wolves and mountain lions) look like you might make an easy dinner.

Honestly, most people don’t need to be taught this.  It’s just common sense to give wild animals their space and let them be.  Hell, most people treat even domestic animals like dogs and cats with respect, and don’t just assume that it’s OK to run up and pat it without at least getting a judge of their character first.  Some people, though, are just idiots.  Like this lady in Alaska.  She decided it’d be a good idea to approach a moose and give it a pat on the back.

Now, if you’re not familiar with moose, let me educate you a bit.  If you imagine a deer blown up to the size of a Clydesdale, you’ve got a decent start.  A full grown bull moose can stand over 7 feet tall at the shoulder and weigh more than 1500 pounds.  They’re awkward looking animals, looking like they were put together from leftover spare parts.  They have long, spindly legs, bulky bodies, and long wide snouts.  The males grow these long, crazy, knobbly antlers that often flatten out into weird spiky plates.  Just take a look at these ugly ass things, and then ask yourself if you’d like to walk up to one and pat it?  You wouldn’t do it, right?  I mean, why would you even want to touch that anyway?

Well, somehow this lady came to the opposite conclusion.  And, as usually happens in such cases, Mother Nature bitch-slapped some sense into her, which in this case took the form of a giant moose kick to the chest.  She was thankfully not seriously injured, but one can only hope the experience taught her not to screw with wild animals–especially not gigantic, ornery ones.