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The Tree of Ténéré

The Tree of Ténéré was a solitary acacia tree that stood in the middle of the Sahara.  Located in northeast Niger, it was a landmark for caravans passing through the area, and was once the most isolated tree on Earth as it was the only one for over 200 km.  It was thought to be the last survivor from a time when the area was less arid.  In 1939 a well was dug near the tree, and it was discovered that it had roots that went all the way down to the local water table, more than 100 feet down.

Now some of you are probably thinking “That tree sounds pretty badass.  What’s this doing on this site about stupid shit?”  Well, you’ll notice I’ve been talking about the tree in the past tense.  That’s because it’s gone now, dead since the early 70s.  But the real bit of stupidity is how it died.

Simply put, the most remote tree on the planet was knocked over by a truck in 1973.  A drunk Libyan truck driver somehow managed to find the only obstacle near the road for hundreds of kilometers and crash into it.  The truly amazing thing about it is that this wasn’t even the first time the tree had been hit by a truck.  It had happened before, sometime in the 1950s, and the tree had been severely damaged but managed to survive.  This time, however, a drunk asshole accomplished what nature never could, and killed the tree.

Seriously, look at this.  That’s the tree as it looked in the 60s.  Notice how there is nothing else around it, from horizon to horizon.  Exactly how drunk do you have to be to run into that?  Hell, if you were just driving through the desert randomly, with a blindfold on, you’d be extremely unlikely to hit it!  You almost have to try to run into that.  And yet it happened twice.

I almost think those drivers deserve medals or something.  I mean, they ought to get some kind of recognition for being the worst drivers on the planet, right?

Posted in Retro.

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By Dave – June 29, 2011

I hereby claim ownership of the word “Dumb.”

Furthermore, in light of my ownership of the word “dumb” I also claim a licensing fee equal to 10% of gross earnings on all revenue generated by any dumb people.  So all you dumb asses out there blowing your pay checks on lottery tickets and cheap beer better start sending me my money.  Oh, and don’t forget if you do actually win that lottery, I get 10% of that too.

OK, so obviously I can’t do that.  But is that really any stupider than what this guy tried to do?  Tim Langdell apparently created a game design studio in the dark ages of computing (sometime in the 1980s) and called it EDGE Games.  It’s unclear how many games his studio actually produced, but what is clear is that the main business objective of Tim Langdell since 1994 or so has been suing the crap out of anybody who uses the word “Edge” in any gaming-related way.

Now, trademark law isn’t exactly my speciality, but the gist of things is that you create a trademark by using it in relation to your business or product, and nobody else is allowed to use it in their business to promote similar products.  You must continue to use your trademark or else the protection of it can be revoked.  And, perhaps most importantly in this case, you can’t lie about when you started using it.

In 1994 Mr. Langdell got all huffy when EDGE magazine tried to trademark its name.  Langdell piped up to say that he owned that trademark and they couldn’t have it.  But he didn’t stop there.  He actually went way overboard and claimed to have had a hand in the creation of the magazine, and changed the logo for his Edge Games to one that looked a heck of a lot like the EDGE magazine logo.  Of course, he claimed that this was in fact the logo he’d been using since 1991, and screw you if you remembered seeing a different one!  The two entered into a licensing agreement, and Mr Langdell apparently decided it was more lucrative to sue people rather than make computer games.

In 2010 EA finally got pissed enough about having to constantly avoid the word “Edge” in anything they did because of this trademark troll to spend the money to take him to court.  They were able to show that many of Edge Games’ trademark filings were fraudulent (claiming games they produced in the 80s for platforms that no longer exist were actually current releases!) and that Edge Games had not in fact produced an actual game since 1990.  As a result, Edge Games lost their US trademarks.

Recently, EDGE magazine decided they’d had enough too, and took Langdell and Edge Games to court.  As part of the process, Edge Games were asked to produce the original copy of the logo they claimed dated from 1991 (the one that looked like the logo for EDGE magazine.)  They claimed it was on an ancient floppy that couldn’t possibly be brought to court.  When that didn’t work, they finally produced the file–only to have it shown that it had been created in Windows 95, so it couldn’t possibly date from 1991.  The whole story is told here in rather amusing detail.

Has the troll finally been slain?  It may be too early to say for sure, but the answer would appear to be yes.

Posted in In The News.

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By Dave – June 23, 2011

Yeah baby, that energizes me!

Did you know that 7-Eleven sells dildos now?  True story.  Check it out:

 

 

 

 

 

I first saw these things on the counter at the local 7-Eleven a month or two ago.  It took me a few seconds to realize they’re not technically sex toys–they are, in fact, energy drinks.  The target market is apparently people who enjoy drinking foul tasting liquids  out of dick shaped objects.  No, seriously.

Here’s an actual conversation I had with a 7-Eleven employee:

Me:  “How many teenage girls come in here and buy those ‘drinks’?”

Him (smiling):  “Even more than you think.”

I mostly see these things on counters or end displays, since they don’t exactly shelve well.  It’s almost as if storage and display considerations were not a factor in the package design process!  Let’s be honest here, nobody makes a product shaped like a dildo by mistake.  We all know what the “massager” they sell at Spencer Gifts is really for.  Similarly, I doubt anybody is actually fooled here.  But I wonder how long it will be before someone puts up enough of a stink to get stores to not carry these?  Or, will it end up being tacitly accepted that 7-Eleven sells sex toys, the way everybody sort of smirks knowingly at the Spencer Gifts “massager”?

Personally, I don’t care.  But I bet I’m in the minority on this one.

Posted in Miscellaneous.

2 comments

By Dave – June 14, 2011

Wii U?

Nintendo announced the successor to their ridiculously successful yet comically named Wii console today.  It’s going to be called the Wii U.  Really, Nintendo?  Wii U?  Do I have to get a degree in Zeldaology to play?  Maybe a Master of Science in Mario?  I think Nintendo enjoys a good marketing challenge.  They love seeing if they can give things comical and confusing names and still sell fixty jillion units.  So far, so good I guess.

In other news, Sony announced their next version of the Playstation will cost four times as much as a Wii U and come with a free identity theft.

Posted in In The News.

3 comments

By Dave – June 7, 2011

Gamers have bad breath

Let’s play a game.  If you’ve ever seen Sesame Street, you know this game.  It’s called “One of these things is not like the others.”  It’s a relatively simple game–I show you a group of things, and you pick out the thing that doesn’t belong.  You’re probably going to have to click on the image to get a better view.  Are you ready?  Ok, here we go!

 

 

Do you see it?  Can you point to the one that isn’t like the others?  Good job!

Amazon, please stop perpetuating the negative stereotype of gamers having bad hygiene.  It’s untrue and hurtful.  Also, Listerine stings!  If I wanted my mouth to hurt I’d go to the dentist.

Posted in Miscellaneous.

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By Dave – June 3, 2011