Finally, science has produced something useful!

A produce company in Florida has finally solved the age-old problem of celery being green.  With the help of SCIENCE, they have finally produced non-green celery!  In fact, this celery is so non-green, it’s actually RED!

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “Sure it’s red, but does it still have that same great celery non-taste?”  The three paragraph article manages to be confusing on this issue.  One paragraph says it tastes the same, while another says the taste is “milder”.  Milder?  Than regular celery?  Which tastes exactly like crunchy, fibrous water?  The only taste celery has is that bitter taste when you accidentally eat the brown bits.

I’m glad that SCIENCE has finally fixed this vexing problem.  Next, maybe they can do something about how radishes taste like shit.