The natives are fucking with you!

I find cryptozoology fascinating.  I’ve read Heuvelman’s classic work on the subject, and I’m a sucker for those Hitler Channel “documentaries” on Bigfoot and shit.

That said, I don’t actually, you know, believe most of this shit.  The Loch Ness Monster doesn’t exist.  Bigfoot almost certainly does not exist.  The Yeti exists, but only if you’re talking about this guy–and let’s face it, mummy ninja wrestling yetis are about a thousand times more awesome than the regular kind.

We’ve certainly not discovered every type of creature that lives on this planet.  But your standard cryptozoologist spends way too much time chasing after tall tales rather than finding new species of insects or fish.  Take, for example, this guy right here.

New Zealand journalist David Farrier is going to Mongolia to hunt for something called the “Mongolian Death Worm”.  It appears to be something straight out of Dune–a giant sand worm that spits acid and farts lightning!  Now, I gotta say, that’s pretty badass.  I mean, if such a creature exists, maybe we can use it as a source of cheap electricity!

Farrier says he’s going to look for it because it’s “one of the most outrageous creatures that were rumoured to exist.”  Fair enough.  But then just a sentence later, the article claims “However, it was also one of the mythical creatures that had a better chance of being real.”  Uh, what?  You lost me there.

As evidence that this creature stands a fair to middlin’ chance of actually existing, Farrier busts out the old “the natives have no reason to lie” canard.

*sigh*

Seriously, does anybody ever actually buy this shit?  That “natives” never lie, or never tell tall tales, or never, you know, encourage stupid westerners to come to their remote area of the globe and possibly employ a great number of them in their foolish expeditions to look for a creature that doesn’t exist?  OF COURSE they have a reason to lie to you!  Who the fuck is going to go to Mongolia otherwise?  That’s right, nobody.  But if they can get idiots like David Farrier to believe that maybe there’s a giant fucking worm that shits lightning there, maybe they can make a few bucks carting his shit around for a few weeks, or trade some of their “knowledge” of the creature for some goddamn biscuits or something.  They’re going to tell you whatever you want to hear if it means you’ll be bringing some wampum or food or part time jobs to their shitty village!  Penn and Teller said it best:  “The natives are fucking with you!  The natives ALWAYS fuck with you!”  Sometimes people don’t even NEED a reason to lie to you.  They just enjoy messing with you!

And anyway, I already found those worms.  And they’re not in Mongolia.  They’re in Hellfire Peninsula.